I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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