I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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