Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
