I got chris browned last night
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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