I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
