Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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