why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
