I'm so fucking centered right now
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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