if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
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