We need to rekindle our bromance
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
