im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
