What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
