Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he shaved USA in his pubs
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
