Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
dude. I can hear the air.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
