He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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