I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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