if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
