life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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