Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
