It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
