bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
