You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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