Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
