Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Is it because I queefed?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
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I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all