I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs