All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
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The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
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How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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