Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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