Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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