Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
