first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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