I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
