His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
