guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
