Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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