Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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