Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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