new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
