Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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