I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
