i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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