FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
