went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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