I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she peed on how many people?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
