You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
