my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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