Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
