My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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