; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
