My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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