ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
