Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
