Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
