god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
