His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
