I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Randomize
