No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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