Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
