Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
