there's paper in my vomit.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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