new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
