I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
