I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
